second entry

I wish that i could write a song. not like the ones i already wrote, but i really, really good song. one with meaning. C-train wrote one called "Room to Breathe" so amazing. I love him. he is so amazingly artistic and he has a great voice.

-LIST OF PEOPLE WITH GREAT VOICES-
*Covell
*Slater
*Emma
*Stretch
*Grizzly
*Julie
*Terrell
*Nat King Cole
*other people
*me, i'm vain, i told you.

I love singing, it makes me so happy and i finally understand the phrase "made my heart sing" when people sing they are always so happy, unless you are referring to Avril Lavign, then your just MAD... grr... anywho, but yes, happy people sing,. people sing when they get jobs, they sing when they win the lottery, they sing when they get a second date with that girl from the bus stop... they dance too, like in my favourite TV commercial with the people who got their dream jobs so they are really happy and dancing and they're like "Do ya do ya want my love? im singin! Do ya do ya wnat my heart? i tell ya! do ya do ya want my life? come on now!!" heck yes, i love that commercial.

i feel asleep lately. all the time. the night never ends for me, im always asleep. I feel like i have nothing to live for currently, maybe thats why. prolly is.

-EXAMPLE SO THAT I WILL REMEMBER-
when we were all at Sam's on sunday and grizzly came, which was tight, because none of us thought that he would and i was sitting there across from him and i found myself looking at him and thinking "when did he get here? IS he here? IS anyone here? i must be dreaming..." i suppose i should have pinched myself to wake up, but i realized, yes we all are here and we are all playing GURPS and i dont understand, but we are all there. it is times like that when i know that i need excitement in my life.


What is my excitement? ODS. shit.. that happens twice a fucking year, and lasts a week at a time, so what? am i supposed to be dead the rest of the year? my life cannot only revolve around one thing. I need more than that. swimming is out this year... laura sucks and i hate her. well, i dont hate her, but i resent her... that has a more positive connotation to it. i do need to work out though. maybe if i get into a play this year i will be excited about that too. maybe if i try and learn something new on the guitar that i actually have to work on for once. maybe i need a challenge. maybe my life needs stimulation.


ahem, well now i suppose i need to explain my sort of attractions to people other than my bf.
Mac- i have the sort of animal "lets do it" type of thing for him. sparks fly when i look at him, i think its because i saw him in his lovely little swimmer's outfit the other month... he's really hot. and cool. like i said, i'd fuck him.
*(this section has been edited out for various, unkonwn resons, regarding the new plethorah of peeps who might soon be reading this.)*


and now i feel bad, because i think of sweet, poor little zachipoo, my love, my only one and only... i feel like i shouldnt be having these feelings....



oh yeah.
IM STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! HELLO?!!! YOU DONT HAVE TO BE WITH ZACK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!! OH MY GOD! SNAP OUT OF IT AND REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE TO HAVE DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEEPS, THEY DONT ALL HAVE TO END RIGHT NOW!!!


i might be too afraid of things to let go of zack.. first off, his feelings.... he loves me so much and i would hate to hurt him, second off, what would we do if we broke up? he is my confidant, i tell him everything (except this ssort of stuff) everything and i dont know what id do with out him there. third, our friendship, it was there first and foremost and if anything would ever jepordise that, i would hate myself for a long time.

i think the reason that i have these little "whatevers" for other guys, is because i have something concrete and wrote with zack.. i know how it feels with him, i know that i can love him, and that he can love me, but the question i long to have answered remains:
What Would Come About Now, With All Of The Things I Know Now And The Differnce There Is In Me?

i wonder if zack ever feels like this... ?

i dont think that anyone reads this yet. i only have one friend, as of now, but you know if you happen to be reading this and you want to comment or anything, i would appreciate it. Ive told few of my little peoples about this, but who knows if they will look at it. anyways. whatever.


Julie is like my child. I have to constantly be looking out for her. i am forever asking her, "so whats new? Hows your life? Hows your family?" its not fun, i wish that she would just tell me things and i wouldnt have to pry so much. it makes me feel bad.

Pinkey is being fine, but pissy lately. you cannot do right by him, he is always saying "well, arent we moody today" and "well i never" and shit like that, all i said this morning was " I dont know" when he asked me where i got my paper from, and he said "sheesh, soooorreeey!" what a bitch.

Im telling you, is it really worth all of this drama to have a small group des amis, qui est cool? No we dont worry about what people think of us, no we arent concernced with smoking, or drinking, or partying, yes we love eachother, but if i have to deal with this crap all the time, it makes me wonder how the "popular people" do it.... do they have drama? or is it only the people who have real friendships that have to deal with shitty stuff like attidudes, ass-hole boyfriends and lonelyness.


sigh.
goddam, this is a long entry.


i love venting, it makes me feel so good, you know? like im being my own tharapist or something...